my turn to suffer

I don’t often talk about how I’m feeling on this blog. Not how I’m really feeling; I tend to keep that on my non-kidney blog. So this is me, opening up.

I’ve been completely and utterly overwhelmed recently. There have been tears. There have been moments of stupidness. I have been angry. I’ve toyed with ideas I’ve never toyed with before, ideas which I once was able to stick my chest out proudly and say, No, I’ve never thought of doing that! There has been emptiness, feelings of inadequacy and constant worrisomeness (deeper than that which I suffer with on a general day-to-day basis anyway). I couldn’t enjoy a few days with my Mumsy. I don’t even know if she noticed my lack of enthusiasm and chat, or if I hid it well. I’ve become quite adept at hiding the way I feel.

So last week I went to see my GP. It was both the hardest thing I’ve done (this year) and the best thing I could have done, in fairly equal measures. This week I’ve been much calmer and I’ve laughed. I don’t know if I would have laughed even if I hadn’t been to see my GP or not, but there’s a definite sense of relief that I’ve started a healing process. I’m being referred for counselling and he’s trying to get me to go on antiDs too, but I’m reluctant because I want to have a baby and antiDs aren’t good for baby. He did point out today (for he made me go back and see him) that the risks of not being on antiDs and becoming pregnant/having a baby may be worse than being on them. I said I’d think about it.

The nurse took FIVE!! vials of blood … He’s testing you for everything! she laughed. He is. He’s testing my thyroid, my kidney (haha!), my liver, and various youwantababyhealthcheck bloods.

I have to go back AGAIN next week.

He’s trying to refer me to the counselling service run by the transplant team at Hospital because he thinks their waiting list may be shorter than the one connected to my local surgery, but they haven’t yet replied to him. I don’t think this stems from the surgery. I think it’s been brought on – partly – due to the whole illness shebangle we went through, but it’s not the cause. I’ve always been melancholy, since childhood. I’ve had episodes in the past (most noticeably 1989ish, 1993, 2001 and 2005) and this time I don’t want to just wallow and not get treated. Maybe talking will stop it happening in the future.

I don’t know.

But I do know that this too shall pass.

(Day 864, NO DIALYSIS!!!)

sniffles

Blokey has had a cold man-flu this week.

Whenever he gets the sniffles I can’t say a bloody thing. Whatever I say, or do, or however I act, it apparently shows that I resent him being ill.

Everyfuckingtime.

I’m of the opinion that he perhaps needs to look up the word ‘resent’ in the dictionary, whereby he’ll find that it says, to feel angry because you’ve been forced to accept someone or something that you do not like, or to feel or show displeasure or indignation at (a person, act, remark, etc.) from a sense of injury or insult.

I don’t resent him being ill.

I do resent him telling me that I resent it.

The truth is that I worry, constantly.  This worry manifests itself twohundredfold when he gets the sniffles, or an ulcer or a headache.  Or when I think he isn’t peeing enough.  I don’t think I handle my worries well and maybe this makes me act resentful, in his eyes, when he’s feeling under the weather.

I got very angry.  I told him that I don’t resent him and it’s ridiculous that he thinks I do. I went on to tell him that what I actually resent is that I’m not allowed to feel ill and that he doesn’t think I’m ill because it’s all in my fucking head.  And yes, as I snarled those exact words in his general direction I did jab my finger at my head. Then I did the teenage strop and tried my best not to let my Mumsy know we’d had a minor tiff, for she was watching the tellybox downstairs.

Oddly, he’s been quite nice since then. And his sniffles are disappearing.

(Day 856, NO DIALYSIS!!!)

another clinic done & dusted

Blokey’s transplant clinic is ridiculous really.  He goes in, has his weight measured and his blood pressure taken, sees whichever nephrologist gets hold of his folder first, and then he tootles off to have his blood taken.  Doesn’t this seem odd?  It means that we spend two days waiting anxiously for *that* phone call, the phone call which says, Come back! Hospital is worried about your results!  His appointments are always on a Wednesday and we can never truly breathe until it gets to Saturday and we’re phone call free.  Wouldn’t it make more sense to have his bloods done first (either the day before, or a week earlier, maybe at the GPs) so that the results can be discussed?

Oh well.

He had an appointment on Wednesday.  We haven’t heard anything bad so we assume all is well.  He goes back in ten weeks.

*breathing sighs of relief*

(Day 480, NO DIALYSIS!!!)

and the results are in …

I wrote the following back on the 6th January. I didn’t post it, not because I didn’t want to but because I thought I had.

“Yesterday I finally received the results of my Hospital check-up (only two months and a couple of days after the Event itself.)  I am pleased to report that having Googled all the results I *think* I’m pretty much the perfect specimen of Human Being-ness, with my remaining kidney behaving as it should.

*takes a[-nother] bow*

(Day 346, NO DIALYSIS!!!)”

I *think* that I toddled off to check that my results were good before I posted what they were and looked a complete plonker when some wise person pointed out that actually they were a tad skewy.

These were my results:

Blood Pressure 120/76
MSU – normal
Hb 12.1g/dl
WBC 7.0
Plt 209
Na 140mmol/l
K 4.7mmol/l
ACR <0.6mg/mmol
Urea 5.3mmol/l
Creatinine 76umol/l (equates to 0.86 in AmeriSpeak)
eGFR 79mis/min

I was a trifle worried about the eGFR but it transpires that I don’t really need to be.  My creatinine is near perfect (I think) and they tend to go by this more (I think, again … I’m full of thinking today).

I go back for the second anniversary in October and then I’ll just have to pop to my GP and request renal function tests for years three and four.  Year five I’ll be back at Hospital to see the living donor team again.  I have no idea what happens at year 6 …

I also have no idea what most of those results above mean, but hey-ho.  Life goes on.

We’ve been away this weekend, sampling the delights of the Norfolk coastline and the joy (ha) of spending time together. I realised that I still worry about Blokey’s peeing ability.  I went copious amounts of time and he went once (during the day). I expect I’ll always worry about it, which is just another sign that we’ll never be completely free of this; we’ll always be expecting the worst to happen because one day it will happen.  We can’t escape that. But won’t it be lovely if it doesn’t happen for thirty years and by the time it does happen some new-fangled research has made life with no kidney function to be a doddle?

*fingers very crossed*

(Day 474, NO DIALYSIS!!!)

Day 100!!!

Today marks 100 days (NO DIALYSIS!!!) since my kidney became Our Kidney.  It’s also my Big Brother’s 43rd birthday, but that’s by-the-by.

Life is ‘normal’.  Or, it’s as normal as it will ever be.  It’s nice and we do things without worry.

Except, there’s one minor issue and it will involve a couple of days in Hospital followed by a few weeks off work.  Oh yes.

Blokey is bumpy.  Well, he has a bulge, quite a prominent one, above Our Kidney.  They (Hospital) were convinced it was a collection of fluid, but because of its lack of proximity to Our Kidney they weren’t particularly concerned.  Finally Blokey receives an appointment for an ultrasound scan and he dutifully toddled off on Tuesday (Day 98, NO DIALYSIS!!!) to have his belly smeared with cold gunk.  This was followed by a regular clinic – howareyouvettingon – appointment on Wednesday (Day 99, NO DIALYSIS!!!) where they kindly informed him of the fact that he has …

*drum roll*

… a HERNIA!!!

Hospital told him that the surgeons would want him to lose weight before they could operate.  A flabbergasted Blokey went a trifle ballistic (or so he says) and pointed out that he weighs only 2kg more than he did when he received Our Kidney, and – more importantly – this was their cock-up (they should have realised earlier) and he expected them to rectify the situation as quickly as possible.

They agreed.  We expect the operation to take place in the next 4-6 weeks.  He’s not a Happy Bunny, but I’m relieved that it isn’t something more sinister.

We would complain, but we know it isn’t worth it.  The last time there was a major cock-up Dr. Silly Neph advised us to write to PALs, which we did.  Then we had a reply from Dr. Silly Neph himself telling us it had been looked into and they were closing ranks.

*scratches head*

Apart from that, life is good.

 

 

the waiting game

Some people assume that once somebody has a transplant they’re miraculously cured of all kidney related ailments.  It isn’t a cure; it’s simply another form of treatment.

We don’t know how long this treatment will last.  It could all go tits up tomorrow, but it could be a treatment which lasts for forty years.  In that sense it’s worse than haemoD, which we knew was four hours a session, three times a week, for ever.  And always.  Or at least until medical research brings some new form of treatment into existence.

Yesterday marked our two month kidneyversary.  Times flies.  You would think that by now things are settled, medication is fixed and life can begin to get less worrisome and more liveable.  You would be wrong, but we forgive you for making that assumption.

Blokey had his weekly clinic appointment last Thursday and it was ever-so exciting.  He’d lost 4kg since the previous week, we already knew that his creatinine* was down to 149 (1.686 mg/dl in AmeriSpeak) and they were so happy they said he could have a week off and they’d see him on the 29th.  Huzzah!

Our joy was short-lived though.  Blokey reminded them that he needed his stent removed and the delectable Dr. Nephro agreed that it should be done as a matter of some urgency and proclaimed that the person who usually arranged the appointments was very flakey in her/his forgetfulness.  Blokey was told to come in the next day and it would be removed.  It’s a simple procedure, although not a particularly nice or comfortable one, and doesn’t take long.  So, Blokey was up with the milkman and off he went to Hospital.  He rang me hours later, close to tears, to inform me that Dr. and Mrs. Nephro were panicking (I don’t think they were) and he had to have an ultrasound because everything was going wrong.  My Blokey is very dramatic.  This makes him both loveable, and a little bit hittable in equal measures.  He said that he’d been told his creatinine had shot up and that a biopsy was now practically non-negotiable, but he hadn’t actually spoken to anybody in Nephro Land and was just relying on messages, probably being brought down by work experience kidz.  He assured me that nobody was telling him anything and they weren’t allowed to.  Bless him. Ultrasound was fine, stent was removed, Blokey came home.  An hour later we toddled off to his company work bash (we got a mention AND a round of applause in the After Dinner Speech, how cringeworthy) and thus began a weekend of worry and frustration.

*sigh*

This morning we went to Hospital so that Blokey could have a chat with the delectable Dr. Nephro and have more bloods taken.  Remember the 4kg he’d lost last week?  That’s all gone back on.  Everybody is scratching their heads about that, but hopefully that’s just a minor irritating glitch.  We found out that his creatinine had risen to 199 (2.251 mg/dl) and this is what had worried them.  However, the kidney looked perfect (Docs words) and all his other labs are good.  I’ll ring you before I leave work with the results, said the delectable Dr. Nephro.  Usually they ring the next morning, mostly because it takes that long for them to get the results, but he could see/hear that Blokey was wound up and worried.

Blokey has spent the day playing Star Wars: The Old Republic and grumbling about pesky players stealing his bits (or something).  I’ve spent the day tapping my fingers on the desk, in between walks to the pharmacy to pick up carrier bags full of medication

(We don’t have this one, said the woman.  When will you have it, only it is THE most important meds he takes? I enquire. We’re expecting it to be delivered today, she tells me after a big sigh of annoyance and a slow meandering walk [5 steps] to the pharmacist and back.)

and the posting of important letters to benefit agencies and Christmas cards to neighbours.

Half an hour ago the phone rang.  It was the delectable Dr. Nephro, Phwoar.  Blokey’s creatinine is back down to 161 (1.821 mg/dl).  A biopsy isn’t required this side of Christmas.

And tonight we’ll be eating doughnuts in celebration.

*Creatinine is a waste product from the normal breakdown of muscle tissue which is filtered through the kidneys and excreted in urine. Doctors measure the blood creatinine level as a test of kidney function. To put all these numbers into perspective, MY creatinine is about 100 (1.13 mg/dl) which is within the normal range.  Ideally Blokey’s should be about the same and at least below 150 (1.69 mg/dl). 

All Hail, Oh! Doom and Gloom!

Blokey drove himself to his clinic appointment this morning, so I opted to go along too, just because it’s nice to get out of the house every so often.  Okay, I would be most definitely lying if I said that was my only reason for going.  A lesser reason was so that I could sit in on the appointment and hear what the lovely doctor said.  Why?  Call me silly, but I have this far-fetched belief that my husband tends to only hear what he wants to hear.

After the appointment it became apparent that my far-fetched belief is not-so far-fetched after all.

This is what Blokey heard:

Doom doom doom, gloomy gloomy gloom-gloom.  Biopsy equals rejection equals back on dialysis.  Oh, woe is me.

This is what I heard:

Yes, the creatinine is a worry and yes, we would expect a living donation to not be acting like a cadaveric donation in that respect.  Yes, this fluid bubble issue is not an issue and we see it often.  Yes, we expect that you will have to have a biopsy.  BUT … the creatinine might stabilise at a higher rate because wifey is smaller than Blokey.  Biopsy does not equate to us believing there is a definite rejection issue.  Kidney is working beautifully and all levels (bar the creatinine) point to this.  Blokey, you are looking really well.  Smiley smiley smiley. 

So, I got the impression that she was advocating a biopsy because she believed it wouldn’t show that Our Kidney is rejecting and would put Blokey’s mind at rest and enable them to throw more of the right anti-rejection drugs in his direction.  Obviously if it does show signs of rejection that’s a bonus too because they can work with that.  Blokey gets the impression that a biopsy can only ever be Bad News.

This is exhausting.  Chivvying your husband along and trying to make him see the positive aspects, whilst worrying about it yourself is a very hard job (and as such I should perhaps charge him the going rate for ‘wifey who puts up with lots’).  Sometimes I want to slap him.  Sometimes I just want to storm out of the room like a spoilt brat.  I could cry for England and come very close to winning a Gold.  Mostly I just want to huggle him and make it all go away.

At the weekend we belatedly celebrated his birthday with his immediate family.  He was fine all day and as soon as they stepped through the door he plastered his perfected Oh, pity me for I am so miserable and nothing ever goes right for me look onto his face.  He was still continuing this in the resturant and when I couldn’t take it anymore I turned to him and whispered, Every time you talk like this it’s a slap in the face for me! and he didn’t talk to me for about five minutes.  But then he did and everything was hunky-dory.

I was being honest though.  I feel like a failure, with a little help from an apparently defective kidney.  When he grumbles about how it’s not working as it should be working (for he has done extensive research into this and knows he is right) he might as well be slapping me in the face, or punching me in the tummy, or … kicking me in my one remaining kidney.

Haha.

It hurts.  Lots.  I went through this so that we could attempt to live a better life with NO DIALYSIS!!! and although we’ve achieved the NO DIALYSIS!!! aspect (to date) we still have a long way to go before either of us will be happy that it’s working to its best possible potential and ability. I know we’ll get there, but if there’s a magic pill to help us get there a tad quicker that would be most appreciated …

Losing a kidney, but gaining a life (Part the Fourth)

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Three:

I suffered the pain of Mumsy driving way too fast over speed bumps in order to pick up Kidney Kake from the Cake Shop.  When Tom (the owner/cake-maker) heard what I had done (Mummy, SHUT UP!!!) he let me have the two scrummily-delicious vanilla cupcakes I’d ordered for our fifth wedding anniversary absolutely free.  As he helped us to the car with Kidney Kake he then popped a bag of homemade buttery shortbread biscuits into the car, told me they were a gift for being so amazing, and then proceded to kiss me on the cheek!  Happy gosh!

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Four:

Once again I braved Mumsy’s driving so that I could see Blokey and give him cake!  He seemed fairly happy, mostly because his urinary catheter and his neck-line had both been removed.  He was still connected to the drainage bag, collecting manky fluid from around Our Kidney, but he could live with that.  We swapped Happy Anniversary cards and discussed pain.  I tidied up for him (this is good; if I’m tidying it means I’m getting better.)

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Six:

Blokey sent me a text telling me he would probably be out that morning.  Later he rang me in tears to tell me he didn’t think he would be.  He’d had an ultrasound scan and the (stupid) technician informed him that there was definitely fluid around the kidney still and this was a sign of rejection.

WHAT THE FUCK?! HOW DARE S/HE!

To say that I was very angry would be putting a very mild spin on the occasion.  His body will always attempt to reject Our Kidney, but to be given the impression that a newly transplanted kidney is showing signs of rejection and then not giving any advice or support or hope (because as an ultrasound technician you lack the qualifications to actually do so … oh wait, you also lack the qualifications to make an informed judgement!) is appallingly unprofessional behaviour.  Any information pertaining to rejection should come from the team of nephrologists because they can explain the whys and wherefores and how to solves. A calmer Blokey later rang me to say he’d finally seen the docs and they’d said it wasn’t anything unusual and he shouldn’t worry his pretty little head about it.

That evening he was discharged (he’d had bowel movement!) and his brother took him home to Mummy.

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Seven:

Mumsy took me to my MiLs to visit Blokey.  Has she been smoking? I asked him.  No, she’s been very good, he answered.  She had put him in the single bed in the spare room though.  I thought this was a tad mean; he deserved a BIG BED!  But he was happy enough.  No docs prodding him, lots of Internet access, tellybox watching on demand and someone to keep him fed and watered.  What more could he ask for?

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Nine:

Shortly before 10 o’clock there was a knock at the front door.  It was patient transport, come to collect Blokey to take him to the hospital for his clinic appointment.  D’Oh! Blokey had told them he’d need picking up from his mum’s for that first appointment, and had even seen that they had that written down. Stupid patient transport admin people!  Blokey’s aunty was able to take him in that morning, but patient transport did turn up at my MiLs shortly after they’d left.  *sigh*

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Ten:

My fifth wedding anniversary gift arrived from Blokey (a whole week late, but he’s a boy so I couldn’t expect any better!) It was a Bonsai Tree.  Yay!  Something to kill!  Awww, bless him.  He brought it because it’s made of wood, and five years is wood.  It was relevant … plus I’d mentioned that I’d wanted one ages ago.  Of course, he’d forgotten to buy any Bonsai food or care bookage to go with it so I’ve had to spend my own money on ordering that, but no worries.  He’s promised me something spangly when we’re up to going out and browsing but I said that it was okay … we should save our money.

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Eleven:

Blokey came home!  My BiL dropped him off in time for lunch.  I thought I would be happy and excited, but I wasn’t.  He was a bit miserable and negative and I suddenly had this overwhelming wave of despair crash down over me; I had to go upstairs and cry.  I could hear Mumsy talking to him downstairs.  Mumsy is SO GOOD.  She’s the BEST Mumsy in the whole wide world.  Whatever she said was enough to perk him up and make him more cheerful.  Then she came and gave me a hug too.  I understand that being home was scary.  I understand that I’m the one person in the world whom he can share his negative thoughts with.  I understand that he’s worried about Our Kidney rejecting.  But at the time I was still in a lot of pain and was also still hugely worried about everything too.  He needed to understand that we’re facing this together as a couple, not as two individuals with separate hopes and dreams.

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Twelve:

Mumsy went home after watching me make a cup of tea and making me promise not to use the vaccuum cleaner.  Ha ha.

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Thirteen:

We were rudely awoken by a knock on the front door shortly before 8am.  I stumbled out of bed and down the stairs (it’s amazing how easily one can forget pain when one has something to suddenly do) to answer it.  An elderly gentleman enquired if this was the right house for Mr. Blokey. I nodded sleepily and proclaimed, Oh yes! He’s just getting dressed … can you give him five minutes?  This was a lie.  The elderly chap (patient transport) went to wait in his car after apologising for being a tad early. Blokey got up.

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Fifteen:

I had an interview twenty miles away. My wonderful Mumsy drove up to take me there, dosed up on strong painkillers.  I apologised profusely for being a little under the weather and declined the tour of the extensive facilities.  I didn’t expect to be offered the job.

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Sixteen:

I had a phone call offering me the job.  We agreed I would start in January.  Go me!

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Seventeen:

Blokey arrived at the hospital early for his clinic appointment and had had both the appointment and his bloods taken before his actual appointment time.  This was good.  What wasn’t so good was that he then had to wait for no less than five hours before patient transport was available to bring him home.  The reason?  They were waiting for an old man to be discharged from a ward and the people who transport for patient transport wouldn’t get paid for two separate trips so it’s not in their interest to be very helpful. Blokey is very much looking forward to driving again! Maybe it’s just me, but it seems insane that someone who is currently very fragile and vulnerable (in terms of his immune system) has to wait for so long in a hospital where he could pick up all manner of things!

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Eighteen:

Blokey was given the nod to start taking his warfarin again.  This relieved him as it suggested that they didn’t think they would need to do a biopsy.

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Twenty-one:

Following a clinic appointment in the morning one of Blokey’s nephs phoned in the late afternoon to tell him that his creatinine (the amount of creatinine, something which is normally excreted in urine, in your blood determines your kidney function; the higher it is, the naughtier your kidneys are) was down to 149 (in AmeriSpeak that’s 1.69 mg/dl).  This news caused celebration in the KatieF household because he’d been told they would be happy when his creatinine got to 150, although they would like it to get lower.  WooHoo! It had steadily decreased! He was also told to up his warfarin dosage.

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Twenty-five:

A Bad News phone call on a Friday has the potential to completely spoil your weekend.  Please lower your warfarin dose, they said.  Then they told him that his creatinine had increased to 170.  Humpfgrrrhumpf.  Blokey panics and decides that the end is nigh; his body is obviously rejecting Our Kidney and he’ll be back on haemoD within days.  I panic, but have to be strong for Blokey and do the there, there thing, putting positive slants on everything.  It can be exhausting.  I pop online and read up about why creatinine levels might increase in newly transplanted kidney patients.  There’s slight relief that it appears this is a normal glitch. A positive cause of the glitch seems to be related to fluid.  Blokey has been limiting his fluid intake (with his nephs agreement) because they overloaded him with copious amounts of fluid whilst he was in hospital.  However, he’s lost an awful lot of that fluid but is still limiting himself.  I don’t think he’s drinking enough.  He agreed to drink a teeny bit more, but is hesitant until he speaks to his nephrologist at clinic.

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Twenty-six:

Our first adventure away from FlatHickTown.  We went to the Village of my Childhood (sixty or so miles away) for a “Curry Night” in aid of a charity which sponsors Indian slum children.  Yummy-yum.  I worried about Blokey as he seemed to have lost colour and is looking tired.  I didn’t tell him that though, and I want to cry, lots.

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Twenty-seven:

I had to scold Blokey for leaving the toilet seat up.  Huzzah!

NO DIALYSIS!!! Day Twenty-eight:

I woke up this morning at about four o’clock.  I couldn’t get back to sleep so I made a coffee, spied on my neighbours (it appears that the chap opposite gets up very early) and came online to update this blog.  Today is a clinic day and very soon I will be prodding Blokey awake and making him get washed and dressed, ready for patient transport.  Before he goes I will remind him to tell them he’s still limiting his fluid and that he’s had the sniffles over the weekend.  I am not a religious person but I will pray that even if his creatinine has gone up again (and we won’t know that till his blood results come back at stupid o’clock in the early evening; we will be waiting for a phone call) they will be able to offer advice and solutions.

All positive vibes will be gratefully received and stored in a safe place so that we can use them again at a later date, as and when required.

a miniature update

I do need to write ‘part the second’ but perhaps it’s more important that you get an update. Plus, I really don’t have the energy to get it all down.

Me:

I am in discomfort and pain.  My BIG (not SO big, but bigger than the three little ones where they put the cameras through) scar is scaring me.  I have visions of it bursting open and my insides bursting out.  It appears to be healing okay, but I really wish the pain would f>ck off.  It’s ridiculous; the pain was the one thing I barely even considered.  I can only assume that my mind focused on the ‘little things’ in an effort to stop me backing out. I tire easily but often forget that I shouldn’t bend down (until it’s too late *ouch*!)

Blokey:

He’s bloated still from all the fluid they IV’d into him in hospital.  He seems to be peeing, but he’s convinced he isn’t peeing enough (although he thinks he’s peeing more than yesterday!)  His nephrologist is fairly pleased with the progression so we’re hanging onto that.  Our Kidney MUST be working or Blokey would be feeling lethargic and ill with toxin build up.  His creatinine (for those in the know) is higher than they would like, but it isn’t high enough for it to be a worry.

My belly hurts … time to find a more comfortable position.

*grin*

the tmi post

I’ve just read somewhere that I should de-varnish my toe nails before I go to hospital. Humpf! A post-transplant pedicure will be a must. I wonder if it constitutes as receiving of gifts/monies if Blokey pays for it?

*grin*

We took the cats to the cattery this morning. I always feel dreadfully mean when I take my beautiful little fluffballs away from home. I imagine they must be scared that they’ll never see me again (Mog was so scared that he poo’d in his basket halfway there!). Then I envisage them becoming all excited when they spy me again and come tumbling into my arms for love and cuddles. This never happens; they generally just scowl at me and spend a good two hours completely ignoring us once we get them home.

Poor little buggers. They’re in a ‘room’ together for the next ten days. They’ll either have become the bestest of friends, or one (probably Dora) will have killed the other (probably Mog).

I am surprisingly calm. The ONLY thing which is bugging me is my period. Each time I toddle into the bathroom for a wee I expect to discover that I’ve started, and I haven’t. I have the sore boobies and the fuzzy belly, and I have the pre-period feeling in my snatch girly area (I’m really hoping that other women understand what I mean … I’d hate to think that I’m odd.) But no yuckiness yet (although what’s the betting the next time I go my period will jump out at me, waving a red flag and screaming, BOO!)

I’m not sure how ridiculous I’m being. I’m going to have major surgery, involving the removal of a perfectly healthy organ. I’m going to wake up in pain, with a urinary catheter (yikes) after having some surgeon stuff his hand (it’s only a little hand) inside me to wrench out my kidney. I’m going to have to eat hospital food and share a room with strangers.

And all I’m worried about is having my period and needing some nurse to ‘sort me out’ down there.

*sigh*

I KNOW they’ve dealt with it before squillions of times. But this is MY time so I’m allowed to be a little freaked, yes? Besides, I think that having the worry of my menstrual cycle at the forefront of my mind makes everything else seem utterly insignificant and therefore far easier to deal with.

I can only hope that this experience will set me up for life; EVERYTHING will be a doddle in comparison and I’ll never feel the need to worry about stupid things like periods and enemas ever again.

Ha.

(2 days)